 Before becoming Muslim, I don't think I specifically noticed niqabis all that much, except a vague feeling. that they must be oppressed. Post 9/11, even though I thought Muslims were "middle eastern" people, I had observed muslim women, and had a secret admiration of them, their style of dress, and gentle and friendly manner. I felt there was a discrepancy between how the West portrayed muslims, especially women, and the way I had observed them in reality. I was drawn to them in a way I couldn't understand. Dressed the way they were, in full cover, they had an air of dignity and elegance, that most women in the West lack. There was special beauty in women when they wore their 'scarves', (as I called them)...
In February 2004, I reverted to Islam. The week before, I was out shopping in a mall, when I suddenly stopped, as a feeling of being exposed suddenly came over me. I was shocked, to say the least, and saw an older lady, having her photo taken for a passport and was wearing hijab, so I approached her and asked where I could buy an hijab or at least a scarf. She told me to wait right there, and immediately went off somewhere, (she went home, apparently) and came back with 7 beautiful turkish hijabs, one for each day of the week. I was dumbfounded at this, as I'd never experienced Muslim generosity before. I thanked her profusely and donned one immediately, and never looked back. I was married on 27th March, 2004, to the man who had introduced me to Islam, my Rana. Though I completely surprised him by wanting to become Muslim. I'd gone off and studied on my own, the Qur'an, and was convinced this is what I'd been looking for, for many years.
 During that first year after reverting and being married, I often wondered about niqabis, and what it was all about. At the end of that first year, I told my hubby, I was interested in becoming a niqabi, but he and his friends said that I didn't need to do that.
So I just said to myself, it's not really the time yet, started to read more about it.
In March, 2005, my hubby had to go back to Bangladesh, to apply for his Spouse Visa, and we have been apart since then. It's very hard at times, and I'm wheelchair-disabled. With this as my background, I will proceed with my internal struggle with 'self'. Before reverting (not called converting), I viewed covering up (as muslim women do) would be too hard for me, as I loved the sun, and being 'free' to wear what I wanted, although I always felt uncomfortable at times, since childhood because I was shy and didn't like the way some people (men) looked at me. I thought I'd get too hot covering my arms and my head in summer. But that all changed when I reverted. It felt 'right' to cover, and didn't really feel the heat as I thought I would. I was surprised to learn that the abayas were often made of fabric that lets air flow through the material and cools one down. The jilbabs were not made of such cool fabrics. I learnt through trial and error, which materials suited me best. I wore cool gorgettes and a cottony type of hijabs in summer and longer warmer khimars (from head to waist or knees) in winter.
After my hubby had gone back to Bangladesh, (in March) the niqab question had been building in my mind, to the point that it felt as though it was perched on my shoulder. I collected pictures of niqabis and different sorts of niqabs online, and saved them in my pictures folder. I simply loved looking at them, and I so wanted to become a niqabi, that I thought of it day and night. And it became a reality on the first day of Ramadan in 2005. I'd practiced wearing it inside at first, then at night on my front porch. I remember picking it up oneday as I left the house to go to the Post Office, and wore it flipped over my head, thinking I could just flip it back over my face when and if I felt it was the right time. And so on my way back, that's just what I did. And I wore the niqab for 6 days, then chickened out. It felt strange on the skin of my face and people were simply horrible to me, which really upset me. So I left it off. I was so dissappointed with myself for being a coward. But Allah helped me remember that Islam is an easy religion, so I thought to myself, I'll wear it again when I'm stronger. The following January, 2006, I just started wearing it again and this time it felt just right, it felt good on the skin of my face. I felt protected and totally free for the first time in my life!!! It was the most wonderful feeling in the world!!! There are still people who do and say things that hurt, or make me angry, but I try and just remember that Allah rewards us for everything that is done to us. Some days when my iman is low, the niqab helps me keep up my strength, by reminding me of who I am, and protects me no matter what my state is. I don't think myself any better than anyone else or wear it to impress anyone, if anything it isn't easy going out, sometimes. But I thank Allah every day, for being allowed to wear niqab...
 | Asalamu'Alaikum
I just wanted to say how beautiful your story is ,masha'Allah. Barakallahu Feeki for sharing it. May Allah keep you strong.Ameen. |
 | as salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah thank you for sharing your story it was nice to read |
 | "Some days when my iman is low, the niqab helps me keep up my strength, by reminding me of who I am, and protects me no matter what my state is.".......yes thats the power of practising deen.....May Allah help you! |
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